g's

2010-05-31T22:30:00.002+08:00

Kitchenoutingggg, awesome (:

dept dept is gr8 :) we have a new found kitchen bimbo, dang dang. hehe, and an ahpek too! haji lane shopping, god, 3 hours, then frozenyoghurt for 1hour. goshhhh :)

they baked me cupcakes for my birthday, both were late and HAHA I didnt realize that it was a ploy! but awwww :) sam's first attempt at baking, somemore got icing and decorated box and everything ((:

kitchen department coals 2009 is awesome :)

there wasnt a single silent moment at all. :)

2010-05-30T20:38:00.002+08:00

Mirnalini Dirghar.

is the only person who will come online and tell me that she sprained her neck, and I can actually hear her saying it out to me in real life, online.

plus.

when you ask her how she did it.

she will say,

SHE DONT KNOW.

HAHAHAH (:

damn it, no table tomorrowww!

2010-05-30T19:08:00.002+08:00

if you have to lose it in order to treasure it;

sometimes you have to let go in order to see if there was anything worth holding on to in the first place

2009-09-18T12:35:00.001+08:00

mhmg.livejournal.com :)

here now, dont think I'll move back in the forseeable future :)

2009-07-18T21:27:00.000+08:00

haha I dont even know why I bother to keep this webspace, but for the memories, I guess.

2009-07-05T21:38:00.001+08:00

I'll be posting more at lj I guess :)

2009-06-30T18:16:00.004+08:00

today me and mirna went to study while the bio students had their bio people. so it was pp macs, and then that girl had to remember suddenly that someone passed her two files of history/ss notes which was..? at home. so we zipped on a bus.

I could kill her, she had so much information at her disposal, and she didnt know it. grr, and SS is over already!

we then proceeded to spend our entire afternoon productively studying the various ways of being tired and moaning about being in absolutely no mood to study. I took a very nice nap where I really slept until archana came to join us and annouce that she had 113 pages of TKAMB to read and me and mirna started talking about hitler's rise to power.

we then wasted like 4hours or so laughing and playing instead of studying. all on the pretext of someone telling us to start slacking. :) that sentence is totally taken out of context, mind you.

haha, ohwellz I enjoyed myself, but I suspect I will curse later because I cant finish studying or something along that line. ooops. heck it is the last paper.

amaths was surprisingly better than emaths! :) the hours of maths tuition paid off!

sleepy still, but with a smile and a contented and light mood. :)

2009-06-29T22:30:00.003+08:00

it's one paper down after another. two more papers and farewell to pesky midyears. I guess this exam isnt going to be one of my bests, but I wont let history repeat for EYEs.

to the many people who have been supporting me while I whine, and moan and complain and whine somemore while going around asking how this how that what is this who is that, thankyou :)

the smses made me very happy despite it being the first day of school and two papers and nursing a headache.

el outing soon! :) and to the people I owe letters, heh soon soon k!

out with MYEs, in with COALs prep, piano practical prep and el preps. mhm.

people pull through! :)

2009-06-26T22:48:00.002+08:00

I was mentally revising geog while standing under cold water and washing my face. when I had a mind block and switched to something else instead.

today,
1. I did a whooping 9 hours of maths. just, maths. nothing else.
2. me, tanya, sharianty are going to go crazy from maths. totally whacked.
3. church rehersal today was good. well done, cast :) really great!
4. I should move to bishan and stop travelling back and forth from home to tuition.
5. I love home cooked food, I love my mom. :)

for the next few hours,
1. I am going to mug maths as much as possible and post it all the questions I have no idea how to do and ask auntie jovine tomorrow.
2. I am going to drown myself in all forms of caffine.
3. I am going to stop thinking negative thoughts and focus on maths.
4. I am not going to talk to mean people. debo read this!
5. I am going to sleep at 2, wake up at 5 and continue maths.

until exams end,
1. I am going to stop whining.
2. I am going to stop being stressed and just face it.
3. I am going to give it my best, and heck everything else.

till end of years,
1. I am going to work damn damn damn damn hard.
2. I am going to seriously stop slacking.
3. I will get my 10 for L1R5.

I am done streamlining my thoughts. work.

2009-06-25T21:40:00.002+08:00

all I want to do now is to lay on my bed, curl up into my many pillows and blanket and let sleep come.

I hope things are going well now. I respect your privacy, I promised, remember? but it is taking a major effort to not hang around and listen to the conversation. take care of yourself..

2009-06-25T18:08:00.001+08:00

it's like dragging a weight. I am so tired.

dont go starry eyed. because the only times stars love our humanly presence is when you get hit over the head.

2009-06-24T21:00:00.003+08:00

this listlessness needs to stop, and soon.

ah. gah. gah gah.

I wish I had a way to turn my brain into a sponge and soak up all the information. what is the use of having painstakingly organized notes, thought of points for essay, if nothing is going to go into my head?

2 chapters of geog notes to memorize, SS to memorize, history to memorize, maths to practise.

and less than 5days to go before I walk into the exam hall yet again.

oh man.

and if this were all that was bothering me, maybe I wont be feeling so bad. but it isnt all, and that is the part that is killing me.

love, stop doing that to yourself, please. please, stop. please. I am begging you to stop doing that. dont make me worry like this, please. go to a doctor before it is too late, I'll drag you there myself if I could. why, stop it, please. dont sink in anymore than you already have, it isnt too late. it really really isnt. please stop. you turn away from any comfort that I could give, you turn away from any help I could get for you. why? to make me suffer, or to see me worry? you know I care, I always have. you need me to say it, I will. but please stop killing yourself like this. because that is what it is doing to you. taking your life slowly. I see your eyes and I really want to hug you and sob. I've gone three nights without sleep. you want to see me fall infront of you, I will show you. stop please, stop..for me, if not for yourself.

2009-06-23T23:01:00.004+08:00

I dont know where to begin.

but alex, haha, I predict a good many fun moments and nonsense conversations with you before the end of coals :) our very very dreamy conversation made me a very amused person :)

and carbonmonoxide, you ugly looking gas. mhm. just jiayou, k? you'll make it through this crazy stress. and I'll whack you silly if you faint tomorrow from exhaustion, trust me. something's bothering you, but I'll wait till your prelims end before I grill you. haha, thanks for the sms offer, even though I know you are about to go mad from studying. I'll tell you what is bothering me after your prelims, if it is still an issue then.

debo why didnt you come online today, I had many things to tell you. ;(

charmaine archana, haha, study date was fun today. haha, all our post-it-ings. I shall write proper letters soon :) and that will translate to one month later. pastamania, studying, and yummiyoghurt :) who knew sitting on the floor eating organic looking food could be so nice?

tp, haha, we jiayou together. tp pact, yeah? and yes stalin is some dumb stupid guy, but I think we are worst, huh? it's ok there is still time, we can do it. mug mug mug :)

2009-06-23T21:03:00.001+08:00

furstrated.

2009-06-22T23:09:00.001+08:00

it's easy to feel alone.

hey love. I'm here, if you need me. because I've been through the exact same situation. and because I know how it feels.

dont push me away. because I wont leave until I make sure that you are, Ok.

2009-06-22T19:27:00.003+08:00

I've mugged for the entire day at home.

and I've barely finished stalin's stupidity, yet to move on to hitler's nonsense.

and I am attempting to finish my tuition maths hw on coordinate geometry, with my mind very very blank.

and for all that I've done with geog, I've not yet crunched down all the information and essay preps.

and school reopens in another week.

S-c-r-e-w-e-d.

2009-06-21T21:43:00.003+08:00

I hate hate hate hate hate losing control. of anything. a situation, myself, my temper, my tears. anything. anything at all.

and it's really hard, constantly having to find my bearings around you. I'm no genius at balancing. but I've so far kept all the balls up there when I do juggling. if I drop something, I choose to drop it.

yes, you asked me if school was such a great deal. and yes it is. because even if I dont want to admit it, I dont have a passion for what I do outside it much anymore.

you ask me if Instructor, was such a great deal to me, that I would be willing to step down for it. yes, yes I would. I really would. I am not trying to play hard to get, so that you guys will ask me to stay.

and it's even harder to swallow, on a personal level, that you dont care at all, about me. yet expect me to empty my time for you, when you need a ear. you know, I care about people I care about. and I can bring it as far as to canceling stuff to be there if you need me. but not for someone who mistakes OAI for OSI. and still ask me what do I do as an instructor. who still doesnt know what my cca is. for asking what THB means when I tell you my motion. are those concerns about what I do for show?

it twists my gut. and yet, I still care.

I dont take friendship, especially those I care about, lightly.
and that stings. that question, it really took me by shock.

2009-06-19T22:29:00.002+08:00

I think I've grown up alot since the start of this year. in the way I think, in the way I see things. debate always terms our age formative years. is this what this is? forming my own identity as a person?

I've learnt how to accept myself for who I am, and not change to suit the people around me. I've taken huge steps forward, what I dared not do, never attempted to do.

people around me have redefined friendship as I knew it.
this year, alot of things happened. and alot of things, will happen still.

but I dont want to lose the side of me who laughs easily, plays wildly. I dont want to have to weigh every movement, have to feel all these, feelings that I cant begin to put into words. because this, I think, is growing up. and with that comes change. change in environment. change in people..

shall continue mugging history.

2009-06-19T00:45:00.004+08:00

because around us, there are many friends, and many different type of friends.

some friends you play with, joke with, have alot of fun with. but they may not be the ones who will ask you if you are ok, may even be the ones who only come to you for fun and laughter, and walk away when you need a shoulder or a ear.

some friends. all you know is their face and names. and maybe class, cca? you say hi, you know each other as fellow cedarians. but that's all.

some friends, they drift. nothing major happens, things just quietly quietly floats apart. until one day, you dont even know her anymore. like a stranger to you, you have no idea how to talk to her anymore, have nothing to say. silence, and awkwardness.

some friends, they are those you seem close to. but they may not last. you think you are close, but one day when you look back and ask yourself, what do I know about her? you may never be able to answer. because the surface is all you know.

then you have the ever present senior junior relationship. and ever since I entered the OAL board, the more whisphers in the wind about leader instructor ones. these wont last either. when the senior leaves, things may or may not remain the same. for ou-ers better still, it doesnt last. because these bonds are fragile. because these bonds are forged on the basis of something, and when that something doesnt exist, the bonds dont either.

but then,

there are those, friends who really matter, to you, to your heart. people whom you know will always be there for you, who when they ask: are you ok, geuniely mean it, and truly mean for you to be ok. if you arent, they are the people who will stand by your side, and pull, drag, scold, nag, mother your way through. they are the ones who even when everything is silent, doesnt have a hint of awkwardness. and you are able to read more than what other do. in tone, in the expression, even in movement. when you care, about what the other person feels, and thinks. those are true friends.

and what kind of friend, are you?

2009-06-18T01:55:00.004+08:00

very well then, if this is what you think it should be.

I should just mug and mug and mug and be some totally muggerish nerd that only knows life as in books. so mug mug mug, like a machine, mechanic robot.

funny how those who whine about problems are the root of them themselves.

or are we just drawn into a whirlpool of problems?

it just seems that way to me, really.

2009-06-17T23:33:00.002+08:00

a part of me hates tears, dealing with emotions that are too raw to be comforted. a part of me hates having to deal with irritation and emotions, even those that are my own.

and I guessed that part slipped out because I was too tired, and because I was too helpless. I know I looked calm, sounded calm. but it was easier to distance myself rather than think of what you were going through.

bear, sorry I snapped at you. I cant say I didnt mean it. but yeah, I'm really sorry.

today el just "lepaked around" - quoting michelle. and dont we always. that's like the best thing our level does together. besides watching chickflicks that is. and having pointlessly dumb discussions that become pretty interesting :)

and I am in no mood to blog. nor in a mood for pretty much anything else. but this spate of disinterest has to stop soon, ah.

2009-06-16T23:29:00.002+08:00

uhhuh and I am supposed to play the meek trusting obedient lamb that is going to be led by the nose to the slaughter house with your lies and excuses? uh-huh, no way. I am not estein, but I can and do figure it out when I am being lied to.

today was studying at ECP, since I needed to claim back my ezlink. ohman $25.

but I did do a fair bit of work, and got dragged to the worst thing on earth. debo was happy, she got clothes. gosh.

and I am really really sleepy!

2009-06-16T00:23:00.002+08:00

ah I want it back. I know you are going to tell me it doesnt matter, but it really does. ah, ah, ah.

bearpenguin day didnt really work didnt it? but well, it was fun while it lasted, and we both cycled quite abit, up and down the shoreline looking for the greybag.

I hope you are ok now, but there's no way to check. I really hope you are ok.

quite an adventure. lying down on the breakwater, missing bag, searching, bicycle shop, broke, debo's house for money, home.

we'll have another day to sentosa with the other fbs k?

2009-06-14T21:10:00.001+08:00

I had a very interesting afternoon, hmm. haha

but certain things ruined my cheery mood. not worth a mention. but still.

mhm.

calm.

2009-06-13T14:38:00.002+08:00

how many times can I break till I shatter?
Give me a break, let me make my own pattern.

the thing about lj posts, that most of the most emo ones are locked, exclusively friends.

but isnt this the way life works? lock up the most vulnerable part, the part that feels about yourself, that part marked, exclusively friends.

All that I feel is the realness I'm faking

spurt of understanding, of what you guys were saying.

2009-06-12T21:06:00.002+08:00

I can safely say that I have explored every corner of the old school compound by now. and dont tell me you know more than me. because we, that is, me debo arch zh charmaine, did an hour long trek through the wildly forested area behind the school building alongside. and we covered the length of the entire compound. Yes, what used to be behind the green fences. we walked there.

there were pesky mosquitoes, long long long long grass that can hide zh if she bothers to, dirty oily canals, wires strewn, weird patches of grass that is alternatively long and short, dead branches brushing us.

thank god we didnt meet any snakes or rats, but we did meet a panicky bat :)

best? none of us were in trackpants, I was wearing ladies' slippers and debo pumps. the guides were better equipped in school skirt and school shoes, but it only protects..this much.

but it was really really really really fun. and we scatterbrainedly suggested that it could be used for guides nightwalk. but that was for the first 10mins, where the only obstacles were long grass and loose stones. 10mins later, we discovered many many many stuff, that would prove fatal if stepped on or held on too. and dangerous parts where even in the sunlight, could be well, dangerous if the wrong step or caution not exercised.

thus, guides are safe from a dangerous nightwalk. we made the recee, and decided, FUN, but Not safe. at all. :)

2009-06-12T20:08:00.002+08:00

barely 48 hours ago I was reminded of the reason why I wanted to be an instructor after the end of coals, 2008.

today, marks the start of prep for coals, 2009. definitely different from ours, in a simple way. just in the change of identity from camper to instructor.

during OAC 2008 we had our leaders to guide us every step of the way, instructing us on how and what to do. any problems, we run to our leaders for help.

but it wont be the same this time.

the circle begins again. I havent come full circle, but I truly intend to.

2009-06-11T13:27:00.002+08:00

me and debo were talking about echo08's instructors,

and I was shocked at how much, even to this day that they have impacted me.
they didnt do anything really big. no big talks, no big words. just simple dedication in the case of one, concern when concern was needed in another's case. how they managed to subtly push us. how they made echo just echo.

I still remember times at the student lounge, stage area. the, greet, dont greet or ignore?! the times we just sat around and chatted. how echo went through the rollercoaster of emotions, joyful and happy, gay and high, discouraged, annoyed, angry, pissed.

but we've emerged, stronger? and even, maybe I hope, better leaders.

a timely reminder why I wanted to be an instructor despite not wanting it right at the start, and now that I am one, how to live this legacy on.

2009-06-10T22:13:00.001+08:00

I shall post properly and not in (quoted) "weird disorientated disorganized sentences that oddly makes sense. reflects you perfectly, uh?"

so, life's been alot of fun.

fullstop! :)

2009-06-10T21:05:00.000+08:00

the result of intenstive mugging for geog over two days is: you get most of it done, and into your head without having to memorize.

on the flip side: show me one more sentence on some weird organization, I will s-c-r-e-a-m.

2009-06-10T13:32:00.001+08:00

for someone who hated inactivity and sitting back while others slogged their guts out for something ;

I've seem to love inactivity. peace and quiet in the house, coz it's empty.

idylic life. and inconsistent studying.
though that should come to an end soon as I begin frantic mugging.

2009-06-10T00:35:00.003+08:00

why?

one word, a thousand questions.

even I know the answers you will give me, so much as to knowing what I myself will react to those statements and how I will in the end convince myself to shrug it off. because acknowledging might cause more harm, might hurt more.

how can I know this and continue down the same path. I just took a detour, that's all.

I know you are reading this, know you know what I mean.

I am no lit student. I dont build castles in the air, simply because I am not able to. flowery phrases are not my forte. using words to my advantage is, but it only helps to express.

I am a history student. more grounded in facts. and I read in your tone that we are walking down the same path, over again.

but still that question hangs between us. Why.

and your promise still plays in my head.

2009-06-09T23:42:00.002+08:00

I told you once before. that I wouldnt do something that would hurt me again.

once bitten twice shy.

2009-06-09T22:23:00.002+08:00

rockclimbing @ VJ today was satisfying.
towards the end I made it towards the top! I was so happy :)

then we got our nice white bottles, @ $2! haha I am a happy person today.

my legs are crying out in pain though! sheesh! ): and there is tution tomorrow ); no sleeping in, depressing thought?

2009-06-07T19:53:00.001+08:00

I'm really quite sick of how things work. gah.

2009-06-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

thinking.

2009-06-07T16:22:00.003+08:00

phone conversation. did it erupt into an argument? I think it did.

your side, mine side. "my" and "yours"

furstration but this isnt a first time issue. long present, and will be long present.

long problems dont disappear like, -snaps- that.

above all, I hope that we didnt change from friends, to odd aquaintances.

2009-06-07T14:10:00.003+08:00

you know, I dont have to love that person to be nice and/or at the very least decent to another person? there is more than two options, it isnt a love-hate thing.

I mean, hey. it's ok if you really want to hate me to the ends of earth, because I really dont bother much? and it only bothers me slightly that you try to spread it to the seniors, because frankly, with a few exceptions, seniors are going to go off in less than 3months time, so it doesnt affect me much? so what if you hate me? yes I am a really arrogant person. and what do you want to do about it? spreading a few rumors that wont touch me isnt going to stamp it out of me. save it for someone who cares about your opinion.

but please. stop dragging another person's name in. especially if you know that I know what she knows too, that even if we hate each other so much, there is nothing we can do about it?

same board, same class, near seating proximity. we, at least, maintain civility.

this is the third time I am hearing this. and I am hoping this is the last. because well, you are a senior, so maintain a semblance or at least a pretence of being one.

puhlezeeee.

and oh. doesnt it say something to you when this does get back to me? :)

2009-06-07T14:07:00.002+08:00

of all times to fall ill ):

one day before class outing @ pulau ubin
two days before level 1 sport climbing certification

gahs.

2009-06-06T23:55:00.004+08:00

sport climbing at VJ.

my arms are aching so much even typing is a chore. I have really nice rope burns, two at that adding on to blisters at weird parts of my hand. I flew off the ledge while belaying, got up and got told off for improper stance. I couldnt hold on to the rockwall while climbing, didnt say falling and crashed into someone coming down and got told off again.

and I couldnt climb anywhere past the red tape for extreme left lane despite trying at least 20 times and falling a 100.

I feel like a failure.

and my arms are still aching.

sighs.

2009-06-05T23:48:00.003+08:00

today was one hell of a day. but it was fun, and I enjoyed myself, though I am close to dying, any moment.

debo is the world's biggest dummy.
1. she doesnt know if there is good food in her neighbourhood
2. she got lost walking to a shop and made me walk with her, when she went there often as a kid.
3. she made many detours that led to a weird ending, meaning, no path, overgrown grass and a drain.
4. she was unsure of the way home - mind you she was less than two streets away from her house.
5. she wasnt aware of shops around her house.

god. haha, and her room is messy! and she is such a pig. :) but we had fun, and managed to get some studying done. not too bad :)

debate was good, and charmaine thank you for your letter :) zh reply me soon mansz. archana yours should come soon, but I still owe many people letters coz I am lazy :) oops!

SF day, should be great this year. the cast is fantastic, haha all the naturals oh?

rock climbing tomorrow. uh-huh. I get to see ugly mirna who is alive after OBS and dinner afterwards with baby and teletubby? catch crab, we see how k, I might not even be able to walk.

and you: -deleted- dont leave.

2009-06-05T15:32:00.003+08:00

because when you see the people around you change so drastically, see friendships form, see friendships drift.

a bag of past letters, memories in the past, of the past.

I suddenly miss isabel, enrica, deepa, onion. alot alot alot. I miss our days together in the canteen, feeling safe and secure all the time, because there will be always people to lean on, always people to be there.

I still have people like that now, but it's after so many things happened. after going through so much.

when people change, what happens next?

I hope I never have to answer this question again.

2009-06-04T21:19:00.003+08:00

because I choose to look on the other side,
because I know that you are hiding. from what, only you can answer.

many have told me, that it's dumb to be optimistic, to just trust, to wish for a perfect ending, to know that there are people who will spot you as you fall, second chances, a re-try.

but I meant what I told you, that I truly believe that I have a belay system who wont let me go.

only that's friendship, and nothing less is.

2009-06-04T20:56:00.003+08:00

fishball family consisting of papa owl, mama giraffe, baby elephant and baby bear. :)

mugging yesterday was totally unproductive, but it was fun! :) initial plan was to invade the student lounge and make it ours, but wellzzz, plans changed, but it was utterly amusing, because me and charmaine went to the art room to deliver food for beaunice, and ended up seeing zhihui and archana squatting outside the container classroom looking like two beggars. ohwellz, we ended up invading the container classroom, anyway.

camwhoring :) haha, photos! gosh, haha we wrecked the entire room, and we have two accidental videos of us just laughing away. with choice words like: "stupid that is a video!" amusing!

the night was equally amusing, and aw, haha, supper was great fun, wasnt it? we should do it more often!

oh, deborah khoo hui li, instructor, is scared of the dark. she called me at 1plus, and shocked me.

"geraldine! I dont dare to walk up the stairs!"

I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. gosh!

2009-06-01T22:34:00.003+08:00

I found it utterly amusing when I read your blog.

look Who is talking. entirely, hilarious.

like, com'on. you are next to nothing to her. you're a walking comedy, and you're not a comedian. you're the one people play and laugh at behind your back.

" are you close to _____, she say until you two very close"
"uh, no?"

and you go, I love ______ to bits/pieces

Hilarious. Hilarity.

you are desperate for the general male species and juniors. shamless, indeed.

I seriously hope you get that this post is for you. if you ask me who i am talking about later, I may flip off the chair laughing. or maybe if you get that I AM talking about you, then I know you arent as iron headed as you are thick skinned. small comfort though?

disgusted.

2009-06-01T21:22:00.003+08:00

shopping. is. not. my. cup. of. tea.

and today just reaffirmed that.

but the company was good, amusing :) spent the entire day with them, and surprisingly I didnt feel like a sore thumb. hmm. :)

2009-05-31T23:41:00.001+08:00

at the next SF comm meeting, I am going to push for dodgeball to be the next outdoor activity for SF. then my team can win championships.

not too bad lah, all in the spirit of the game. but I am hurting all over, from head to toe. I swear there's a conspiracy to murder me, thanks ah people!

but well done to outdoor ICs! :)

2009-05-30T22:18:00.002+08:00

this is all I can take.

because you will never see it on my face.

dont ask me why I am so cold. you should know why.

the promise still holds, I will not shed a tear. not a single drop.

hear the silence that deafens.

2009-05-30T15:23:00.002+08:00

I've always enjoyed random quizzing on random sources.

and I got this when I did a quiz: what kind of mask do you wear?

Your mask is strength. You try hard to fend for yourself. You do not let others do things for you. You often need to be in control of a situation, even if you can't handle it alone. You are always putting on a front, even if you don't feel strong at all. You don't let others see you when you're vulnerable, because you barely let your self be. Despite your flaws of always trying to act strong, you are a strong person, with strong character that can do anything you put your mind to. A lot of the times you really don't need anyone, and are perfectly capable on your own. ~~However, there are times you find yourself wanting to let someone in but are not really sure how to..~~ not true, this bit

2009-05-29T23:58:00.002+08:00

Potong pasir, Macs, Spiderweb and KFC, I think they've become an intergral part of cedarians's lives. I am glad we went today, coz now I have one more memory to add on. - from the day me and zh were talking. cloudy skies.

you asked: who would I bring with me if I were to start a new life on a deserted island.

- you, mirna.

- you, teletubby debo.

- and archana elephant and zhihui bear.

I'm happy I found you guys :)

2009-05-29T23:50:00.003+08:00

thank you for making my day :) I know it is wrong to have a clique in the instrs' board, but I dont think it can be helped.

from pp macs to kfc to cheese to spiderweb to random things, thank you for today. and to show it we took what, a 100 or so photos. I am way too lazy to filter and upload on facebook, since there are people who will flip over laughing at our total glamness. but..

this cute little boy and his sister are my friends :) mind you he is sitting on my leg and took me as a comfy sofa for 15mins plus. totally lying down on my collarbone. and no one asked him to twist! he just twisted at archana's camera! min is a total pedophile! gosh.

ghost stories and random questions.

2009-05-28T20:44:00.002+08:00

first day of MYEs.._ _ _ _ _ _ _.

cheerup, macs humans :)

bear elephant and mirna, let's go far far away and just let our minds run.

back to physics

2009-05-27T20:33:00.002+08:00

ohman ohman ohman! grr grr grrrrrr!
ok, shut up geraldine.

firstly, half of 3S fell ill today. some teacher, cant remember which one, cracked a joke about epidemic, uh-oh. and some smart pants had had Had to tell a teacher that they ponned school. keep your mouth shut if there is nothing better to say k?

secondly morning reflections... ... ... ah.

thirdly, study date :) where I got repeatedly suan. and I want a pacifier ): I think it is fun and cute! oops. heh! and I've mastered moles with sherilyn, since we high-fived each other so many times when we could do the questions in her assessment book! -smiley face!- and miss poon came out and saw me and sherilyn looking stressed and tired, and she got us to play ball for 5mins and it really worked! :) times like this I really love miss poon :)

forthly, smack me, I shouldnt be on the internet sphere, at all.

2009-05-27T20:27:00.001+08:00

there and then I just wanted to dig a hole and hide my head inside.

gosh.

2009-05-27T00:06:00.001+08:00

take me, away.

2009-05-26T19:36:00.002+08:00

because I promised to laugh at this:

the epitome of unglamness, namely archana, was lecturing me on being unglam in the middle of the busstop waiting for 81. god, haha. I really ought to record her bimbotic unglam moments on video soon! ello elephant, cheer up k! owl's here if you need me (:

and bear, mhm. dont say you dont care when you do, because when you tell someone, 'I dont care', it's the planting of the first seed of doubt yeah? and I told you before, special bonds dont break, and special bonds cant be seen. you and her, things will iron out. dont harp on it, and I dont want to see anymore tears because of it. ok? -big bear hug-

shar had a mini meltdown in class today, when the last straw broke. she whined for 20mins at least, but hmm, she deserves to be allowed to whine. tablepartner, hold on tight ok! mine last straw hasnt broken, so I am not melting down yet. yet being the operative word. anyway tablepartner, hold on tight ok!

interviewing with JP, mich, sya and esther was really fun, and as sya said, it's quite, hmm how they say with so much confidence that they will be able to juggle everything. but they'll soon learn, that juggling acts dont always work, that one ball will lose itself in the process. but that form of innocence, they should keep it while they can. and it's pretty amazing how every batch has someone that reflects the previous batch. I didnt notice until esther pointed out, and then everybody noticed. quite cool to see myself and mich in the juniors, myself especially..but their journey together will be an uphill struggle, as ours was, or even worst. hopefully they will emerge, like us, stronger, better, and more bonded than ever (:

bus stop. was, grr, hahaha. I didnt know debo! sorry! Really! but still, I dont bite, grrr. and I said hi! I didnt dao! ); tsk! walk 20 000 miles away, grr. so awkward. sheesh!

ok, enough amusement for one day, back to work.

2009-05-25T23:36:00.000+08:00

you narrowed down the field for me, considerably.

but because I wont get you to trouble, I wont try to guess. though names are playing in my head, even now.

2009-05-25T20:30:00.002+08:00

thank god for friends who chases away spurts of moodiness and overcast skies with laughter and nonsense.

sharianty, for the whole day today. we were actually behaving like tablepartners :)
zhihui archana mirna charmaine deborah, for after school, mugging or the attempt to inbetween laughing and nonsense. :)
the mother of kinder and beuno, for patience with dead mind :)

oh, I got a F9 for stalking people from mirna and archana );
and I give debo an F9, she's worst than me?

but nah it's ok, cool people like me dont need to learn weird skills like that :) heh!

but debo isnt cool enough, so she must try harder, aw.

ok, mug.

2009-05-24T17:22:00.004+08:00

-deleted-

for goodness sake, act, carry yourself like the leader you say you are.

you disgust me.

2009-05-24T16:11:00.003+08:00

because if there was a start to something, then it must end. what baffles and saddens me, is how you choose to end it this way. you know the way I deal with emotions, and I know you saw much more than what the others saw today.

I saw recognition flicker in your eyes, once twice, then you turned it off.

it was a mistake, right from the start.

a part of me wants this week to whisk by, so I can say it's the holidays and allow myself to loosen up. but exams are drawing nearer. so much for hiatus-es. not as if they work.

2009-05-23T11:23:00.002+08:00

it's scary, how every line tells a story, how every word used can express something. blog surffing, random clicking, updates on lives not touched for so long. and it's scary, to read about the moroseness, the down, the sad, the angsty, the lonely.

and the scariest thing is to know that I have joined them, in the way I think, the way I feel, the way I see.

even as my hands fly across the keyboard as I am typing this, and backspacing when backspace is required, it still scares me, this knowledge, this realization.

mhm..

is this, growing up?

2009-05-23T11:03:00.002+08:00

because I am so bored with homework.

2009-05-22T21:26:00.002+08:00

I'll look you in the eye if and when I want to tell you. dont press me, I wont say anything until I am ready to say it, and I deem that you are ready to hear it.

and I missed you, when I walked by the shoreline yesterday. alone, I traced into the sand. turned around, and saw zh and archana. and a part of me laughed when I saw what nonsense they were up to again.

but another part wished that it was you who was there when I turned my head.

somehow. it's been a year, almost. but memories are long lasting creatures. they'll hide in my head, and come out when my defences are lowest.

and I'll close my eyes and move on.

2009-05-22T12:51:00.002+08:00

the years taught what could not be learnt in days.

friend, I hope you are ok. I've never blamed you for what happened. it was a small matter, let go of it :)

2009-05-22T12:15:00.001+08:00

it's 12.15pm and I'm online, and I'm not in the school computer lab.

I leave you to draw your own inferences. but it's nice, I assure you. :)

2009-05-21T21:06:00.002+08:00

cross country was, hmm, haha, hot. very very hot. I have two bright spots on my cheek now, since I refuse to use sunblock.

what's the point of putting sunblock if I break out in rash instead?

bright red spots vs rashes, I pick the spots.

well done sec2s, for your first emcee. :) relax more dont panic so much! small matters, relax! and the missing walkietalkie. sheesh, so much for panics.

quite fun to not run and just watch people come in and cheer them on. people look unglam when they run, I realised.

went to ecp with zh arch and mirna after the whole thing ended, by courtesy of a bus taken in the wrong direction ( original direction was towards pasir ris beach). quite cool, I think we are simply terrific.

"geraldine! are we going towards the wrong direction!"
"dont know, I am looking also."

2 bus stops later.

"geraldine!! we are going towards parkway!"
"uhhuh I just saw that sign."
"how!"
"go eastcoast instead."
"OK."

and through all these, zh was sleeping rather peacefully. haha.

spent time at the shore, taking pictures, talking, walking by the shoreline, picking up seashells.
now I have really pretty seashells with nice gradients of colors and texture. but no one I dare give to.

I'm tired. sleepy. aching all over.

I want to pon.

2009-05-20T22:22:00.005+08:00

it wasnt what you said, but the way you said it.

because, everytime someone hurts me, I'll keep a little more of myself
be a little more careful, a little less trusting, a little more cautious

because I'll grow a little more cold,
because I'll withdraw myself a little more.

I told you this once, when I sensed the change.
yet, today still came.

I heard, more than what you saw fit to tell me.
lying to protect me, your excuse.
I see, a coward, wanting to protect himself.

why? after all that we were.

you asked me, why I sounded weird.
do you truly not know?

for someone who taught me how to unclench my fist and hold another's hand.
you just clenched my fist, a little tighter.

you taught me, how to love the people around me.
you taught me, so much.

yet you arent living what you preach, you arent what I used to know.

and a voice in my head tells me to discard logic. and another voice chants that it isnt possible, that you arent, what my head tells me you are.

I'll shut that little voice of emotion out.

I lied when I said I wasnt hurt, wasnt sad. because I really am.

2009-05-20T21:00:00.002+08:00

~~Deborah is so khool! :D~~

sorry if anyone is traumatized, teletubby posted that herself.

2009-05-20T20:45:00.003+08:00

because disappointment is a strong word. saddness and anger I can deal with, but when you tell me you are disappointed, I wont know how to react, what to do.

I really hope it's just you and not everyone. because, then I wont know, what to do, either.

today was really gay, right from the morning. unglammness, to the max. god, me archana and deb probably threw all our faces on the forth level. stealing masking tape, trying to reach the ceiling, stopping in the middle of the corridor to thread red string, stealing tape from a certain's class's class deco. trying to act glam one moment and falling over in laughter the next :) certainly action filled, and energizing :) 3S was a buzz of activities even as early as 6.50 in the morning. instructors one stop meeting place, much.

the aisle between me and TQ filled with enormous paper bags and paper boxes, purposely strewn around to prevent teachers walking past us since we were rushing last minute letters, cutting and pasting.

Mrs Foo: girls why do you need scissors in my class? heh, oops :)

mugging after school, heh. thankyou for choco milk you went down specially to get for me! :)

maths, was really fun. heh, sharianty! :) ignore her, k? you're worthy of that badge, live up to it :) snackbox, heh :)

yesterday was fun! :)

I cannot believe this. even after it is over, I am severly traumatized. I carried a gay pink cushion and walked around PS in my school uni and all the way home. gosh. Pink. Bright Eye catching Pink.

company was great, and it's really fun! :) elephant, teletubby and JR. haha, only we get up to the stuff that we do. one day before the actual thing, I secretly think that we rock, JR :)

productive compact shopping ;) photos should be up, soon :)

2009-05-20T00:08:00.001+08:00

because my shoulders are going to drop off any moment, I shall take a moment to breathe.

today's shopping trip was fun, the company was great. and the camwhoring was quite rampant.

photos should be up, sooooooooon?

back to farewell presents, god, my shoulder and my head.

2009-05-18T20:28:00.003+08:00

went pp macs, with bear. did abit of work, bout half done with theoretical physics at this point alrdy.

then we went to spiderwebbed, and sat there. laid down afterawhile, and it felt comforting, to just stare at the top of the web, stare at the overcast skies. to talk, to just listen, to lie down and think.

yes bear, promise is a promise :)

the reason I insist on not taking the bus home, and walking home every day. because for better or for worst, for good or for bad, I'll grab on to these. the lights that guide me home :)

2009-05-18T19:17:00.006+08:00

we read this, during SELC.

dont be fooled by me. dont be fooled by the face I wear. for I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that Im afraid to take off; none of them are me.

I give you the impression that im secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water's calm and im in command, and that i need no one. but dont believe me. please.

my surface may seem smooth...beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in aloneness, but I hide this. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. that's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade to shield me from the glance that knows. but such a glance is my salvation. and i know it.

it's the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love. im afraid that you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh. to laugh would kill me.

so, i play my game, with a facade of assurance without--and a trembling child within. and so my life becomes a front. i only chatter to you in the suave surface tones...i tell you everything's that nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. for when i go into my routine do not be fooled by what im saying. please listen carefully to what im not saying.

i dislike the superficial, phony game im playing. i'd like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me. you've got to hold out your hand even when it seems to be the last thing i seem to want or need. only you can call me into aliveness. each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very feeble wings.

i want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me, if you choose to. but it will not be easy for you. a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

the nearer you approach me the blinder i strike back. it it irrational, but despite what the book says about man, i am irrational. i fight the very things i cry out for. but i am told that love is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. please try to beat down those walls, with gentle hands- for a child is very sensitive.

who am i, you may wonder? i am someone you know very well. i am every man and woman you meet.

certain sentences meant to me, but it was only those two, that really jumped out at me.

because none of us can truly hold our heads up high, and say that we are truly, happy.

because I've needed a ear

and beacuse I'll stretch out my hand to you if you need it.

but will you grab my hand tight?

coz, it takes two to hug.

2009-05-17T19:18:00.002+08:00

grr. ONCE, and for all.

I am not attached to any guy.

and I am not a lesbian.

enough said, i think one sentence is enough. do I need to prove to you what I say? who do you think you are?

if you think I am a lesbian, go ahead.you're just insulting your own intelligence.
I dont see a need to explain myself.

dont you dare forget for one moment that I am a debater. wanna take me on home ground? I welcome you.

an urge to start swearing.

2009-05-17T17:38:00.000+08:00

coz I'm happy now, I shall do a short post before I start on another bout of maths. :)

I packed my room, so it's really near now, and everything's like it should be.
no cluttered tabletops, only things I need. cupboards packed, notes neatly filed. :)

exam period mugging, starts today.

2009-05-16T23:39:00.002+08:00

signed off from msn at 12.50 last night.
was in bed at 1.

at 1.45 I was literally fighting to breathe,
and it wasnt till 4 till everything settled.

everytime this happens,
I thank god I lived to see the sun rise again.
because until your windpipes fight against you and you need to gasp for every breathe,
you dont truly treasure the breathes that you take.

and I wonder, what if when I am belaying, or holding another person's life in my hands, and this happens, what will happen?

and a whisper of fear will run down my back.

2009-05-15T22:29:00.002+08:00

I spent quite awhile today on my own in the classroom after the el gang went home.
it was raining.

I turned off all the lights except the one where I sat under. and I looked at the peace around me.

no sounds. except for the pitterpatter of the rain. except for the flash of lightning, bright against the sky. feel the wind on my skin. smell the rain.

and I had a sudden insanity to run out and lie down on the grass. sudden urge to run in the rain, to feel utterly totally alive.

but no, I stuck to sanity, did maths.

reflection of, life. I guess.

coz life is not a bed of roses, but should it be a bed of pricks?

2009-05-15T21:33:00.003+08:00

coz if I put you out of my mind, can I get a peace of mind.

if you asked me to paint the school day today, it was grey. a sad, dull grey. no laughter, no whining from leena. after school was slightly better. and it was 5.30 plus when I was so happy I started jumping around.

quite cool, when everyone arounds you starts being leaders in their cca. :) and company was great :) I love long busrides home!

gah. haha, and something happened today, and mhm. relieve or sad, you tell me what..

2009-05-14T22:01:00.002+08:00

the only people I care of how they view me, is people whom I care about.

and since you guys are not on the list, pretty much, equates to me not really caring.

haha, it hurts. but logic will calm it :)

2009-05-12T22:46:00.002+08:00

el farewell today. things went wrong, things screwed. but ultimately I think the seniors got what we wanted them to, that they were truly the best that we'd ever had, and will ever have.

heartwrenching, today. to the debate seniors: thank you for the box, you have no idea how touched I felt when you guys handed it to me, and Joy yes I will take you for your word that you will pass me my very long letter and cool present when you guys officially handover. Jolene, heh you finally wrote me my very long letter, that made me laugh and cry at the same time, you annoyance! chand, haha, did you dedicate if we hold on together on purpose as well as trying to psycho me throughout the entire letter? and Poohja, yes, secondary school does do that to us, doesnt it?

thank you for all the memories, for all the laughter, the panicking before JG's, for letting me go through incoherence with every single one of you, for all the special moments that we had as a team, as debaters.

thank you for being a part of my life, for three years.

sec3s: after all that prep work, things went great. :) love every single one of you, I think working together has brought us closer yet again. the special bond, that holds the 8 of us very different people together.

sec2s and sec1s. well done. :)

and to all the concerned messages asking me if I was ok, for the msn comforts that was sent, thank you :)

because farewell is over, and it's our time to step up, time for us to turn another page in a chapter, even as our heart aches for our seniors.

2009-05-11T23:44:00.001+08:00

because today someone said: that pictures are all you have left when things change, and when you move on. when she said that, a sense of bitter sweet welled in me, when I think of how my heart contracted when I was arranging photos from not so long ago. maybe this is called growing up, and maybe we all have to go through it. but that doesnt mean I have to enjoy it.

cedar litup, night.

because you make moving on sound easy, when all I want to do is stop the clock and grab now with both hands and imprison it tightly against me.

2009-05-11T23:36:00.003+08:00

sometimes I wonder, what is the point of waking up the next day.

feels like a juggling trick I am doing, oai, el, debate, tution, school work. and school work is always the baton that gets dropped. not counting all the countless emotions, do you know what flits behind that cool mask you label as dao? do you hear the saddness in the laughter, or is everything to be taken at face level, at surface level?

I wonder, what more is there to go on for, to fight for, to live for. to live, to laugh and to love.

and even as I try to soothe, I find that I need to soothe my own wounds. those invisible slits that have been accumulated, that only hurt when all is over and done.

you go on and on about wanting to give up. and I wonder, if you really mean them, or are those just for spite?

I know your spirit is broken, but I can find no pity for you in me, when I think of how you broke so many others, including mine.

I had fun with el today, all the chick flicks. but it's farewell tomorrow. everything's ready, or pretty much so.

tomorrow, will I cry? because I dont know how to look at you and think of you the same way, because some part of me still disbelieves, and a part of me, hasnt allowed the fact that you guys will no longer be around to sink in.

2009-05-11T00:14:00.004+08:00

the older you grow, the more you see. and the more you see and hear, the more you understand.
the more you understand, the more you sigh. and even as something weighs down on your heart, the more your head wants to shut it out, shut it away, shut it down.

and that's what happens. even as you enter adulthood, you get so numb, you dont feel it anymore.

drained. what happened to golden years?

too much things to say, and no way to express.

tired.

and it's not that I dont want to tell you. it's I dont know where to begin. C's matter, it's still weighing on me.

too much weight.

2009-05-09T01:00:00.001+08:00

and I thought back to those days, and a part of my heart aches.

why did things turn out this way, now, so close to the end?

2009-05-09T00:43:00.003+08:00

cedar litup, kinda cool, in a sense. mrs ouyang gave me a quiz when all I was supposed to do was to usher her infront. yes I am a debater, but even I cant crap something out of nothing, especially since I only knew what was going on yesterday.

to those who made the first cedar litup a success, thank you! Mrs Jai, Miss Kerns, Mrs Menon, Mr Sng, Drama!, the sec1s and 2s, 3N, library. :)

but the news on the bus spoilt it, spoilt it all. I am hurt. they were both close. they really were. I couldnt help, couldnt console. I suppressed what I was feeling, but really, it hurts. I'm sorry drama. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I meant those hugs. I hope you felt it, coz I held you guys as close as I could.

and mich, I'm sorry I wronged you and syahirah. I'm sorry.

but I'm proud of drama. coz you guys went up there with a baggage, and yet pulled it all off. you guys are the best, and I've never wavered in what I felt for my cca, since sec1. pride, and love.

and, are these you true colors that I took so long to realise? double blow.

2009-05-07T21:34:00.001+08:00

and when it struck me. I thought to myself, who knew you were so scheming?

2009-05-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

because I dont know how.

2009-05-06T21:03:00.004+08:00

watched guides farewell today, and thought of el's.

-deleted-

there was photo taking, OAL, EL. and still a part of me felt hollow, despite the many attempts to fill it up with laughter.

studied, or attempted to, with deb, mirna and kellie. wasnt successful , we only started at 4.45 plus? gosh.

talked to tp. and I'm glad I didnt lose you.

there's this void that I am trying to fill up, with laughter and joy. with comforting and being with others.

-deleted-

and I really dont want things to be this way.

2009-05-05T20:54:00.002+08:00

history's on repeat, and nothing I can do to stop it.

2009-05-04T23:44:00.002+08:00

break from geog.

facebook quiz. uncannily accurate.

You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic..

2009-05-04T23:02:00.005+08:00

thought provoking,

and it leads one to wonder, if this could be avoided, if these wounds could have been blocked.
if the line had remained, would this entire matter could have been shunned?

and even as I hear from three different points, I dont know what to think, what to feel?

but one thing's for sure. and, yet, it's not black and white, it's still grey.

and my mind replays what was said on the bus. different matter entirely, but the crux remains. am I to watch history repeat?

if no one had feelings, and no one cared, maybe this world is going to be a much better place. despite robots walking around.

physics today, newton's third law:
mr goh: I hope you girls know who he is,
syu: The Apple guy!

history today, during movie rise of evil:
Lee: OMG is he going to massage her?
class: LEEEEE........!

maths today,
Leena: I saw this human sized teletubby once(ghost), PO! The red one!

morning, first thing:
Deb: eh! ______ which class?
G: _____. what you giving her?
Deb: Flashes tissue paper.

she thinks she is the only one in the whole world who has tissue paper, I swear. she goes around giving people tissue paper. first for farewell, then temp taking, gosh! I laughed for 10mins straight. and she laughed with me at herself.

after school, mugging:
G: #%&@#*&#!@*&$#*&*@#&*! MIRNA!
Mirna: what you want me to say! I dont even understand what you are saying, no names nothing! TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON!
G: AH GRR, NVM. -starts laughing at mirna's face-

2009-05-03T20:45:00.002+08:00

haha, before this slips my mind.

haha I hereby declare a truce with fighting with tiffany for the great title and have settled for the cool title.

the reason for this abrupt change is due to her helping me with maths online and almost wanting to kill me for the thousand and one careless mistakes that I make and go whining to her, cannot solve!

we both hate maths too. but then again I imagine half the cedarian population does.

so.

geraldine the cool and tiffany the great :)

2009-05-03T16:19:00.003+08:00

the date is drawing nearer, everyone's counting down.

and I wonder what we'll be like, as the moment comes. will we be as good as our seniors were, and better? will we?

haha, and I have naggy tutors. first physics nagged at me to sleep last night at 2am, then maths nagged at me to stop sidetracking and do maths this morning. :)

amusing!

2009-05-03T00:40:00.003+08:00

friday :)
the rest of the photos either look similar or you guys alrdy have it :) and I'm lazy to upload more :)

gah haha, the news hit me harder than it should have, since yes it should be old news by now. but I truly had no idea it was, that bad. I knew it wasnt good, yes, but not this bad.

ah, speechless.

yes, rain makes people think.

how do you comfort and help, when you feel the exact same way?
how do you answer questions posed, when you want the answers as well?

life is a maze and days are riddles. and it's weary to plunge through them day after day.

am I going to emerge the victor? or will both parties lose?

2009-05-01T20:11:00.002+08:00

today was fun :)

haha, was up pretty bright and early for a school holiday due to some harebrained scheme by bear, who was in the end late, tsk! played at the playground where archana was delighted to see me being utterly unglam since she never catches me unglam. but then again, little people can beat her unglam-ness. she is going to be the most unglamorous guides senior ever.

the afternoon was great, playground, my house, archana's house. :) the weirdest concotion of instant noodles that tastes great, taking pictures, being totally random, watching nonsensical videos, playing hotel 626 on my comp, swinging on the swing, see saws that flies.

"if I ever get lost in Kallang I know who to call" charmaine chill dont panic man heh! though this sentence is meant to cause you to hyperventilate :)

I enjoyed this afternoon very much. and bear, take care of lemon! :)

and I thought back to countless afternoons with this much joy, with a different group of people. and my heart ached, despite the laughter that lightened the atmosphere. and I wonder if I've truly let everything go.

2009-05-01T00:46:00.004+08:00

I have an array of nicknames.

sec3 eldds people: ger, gerald.
zhihui: penguin
archana: owl, cartoon
2H clique: dajie, dugong
deborah: teletubby
gang: dumbass.
zee: rodent
my mom: gerald. better still: GIRL AH!

amusing. :)

2009-05-01T00:20:00.002+08:00

afternoon was passed with a few scratches and bruises. literal from the abuse at the hands of violent guides and non-literal by...nvm. leaving school at 0720 was mad, no more the next time :)

the evenings I liked. haha, :)

thank god for leaders, living examples around me. for friends, retarded enough to lie down on the grandstand together staring at the sky. for mugging dates that didnt work, for amusing online conversations.

see bear, there are many things to be happy about :)

2009-04-29T22:44:00.001+08:00

I feel weighted. dont feel like last year anymore. despite closer bonds and all I feel further away. your words cut me more than I thought it should. what more?

worried about more than one yous.

2009-04-29T21:39:00.003+08:00

I felt completely sated after our waterfight and were drying off as best as we could in the student lounge. I felt pretty contented after lunch. then my mood changed.

grrr.

though I was pretty gay all day due to all the long faces and sad faces around me. I hope I made your days a little brighter :)

I realized the emotion I deal best with is anger and annoyance. and the one I deal least best at is hurt. but I'm past the hurt.

2009-04-28T22:02:00.000+08:00

maybe, through that period of time, I am learning to treasure the people by my side. my friends, those who really make me laugh even when I am frowning at them.

more guarded, more careful. but even then, I'm learning when to trust, when to love, and most importantly for me, how to.

2009-04-28T17:18:00.002+08:00

it rained during english today. and when I heard the rain. smell the rain, I remembered.
it was hard not to.

equal playing fields? no, the floor is too heavily tilted towards you.
hard to achieve, and no one wants it.

everyone fears change, including myself. but sometimes, will change be good?